REAL*TALK SERIES/Ep. 8: Real* Talk With Caitlin - Who I Am

Welcome to our eighth episode of our Real* Talk Series! I hope these episodes have brought you a sense of hope, validation, and insight into your own life and mental health. There is so much going on right now, and I know each of us is going through our own kind of challenge. Our guest for today shows exactly what it means to be resilient in heartbreak, loss, and intense emotional pain. It is with great joy I introduce Caitlin Ting as our guest for this episode. Caitlin shares with us what it means to be unapologetically all of who you are: emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually.

Here’s a glimpse into how she developed community after loss, and turned a sense of worthlessness into self-acceptance and hope:

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WHO AM I?

I am Caitlin, I'm a freelance photographer and Twitch streamer. I love to take photos and I love to game, I'm unapologetically enthusiastic about the moon and I feel my best at night, I eat Hot Fries more than I probably should, I like to change my hair color frequently, I love to sing and I love to sing as loud as I can, I like wearing clothes that are way too big for me,  I love studying history, I care deeply for my loved ones and I care deeply even for those I don't know, I love my body and I feel no shame in sharing it, I love my face and I love that I finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I am Caitlin Ting, I love me, and that's enough.

QUESTION 1:  WHAT DOES STOPPING THE MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA MEAN TO YOU?

Stopping the stigma means we can share and discuss our mental health with others without fearing that we will be judged for it or that we will face negative repercussions in our relationships or professions. I try to be as open as possible about my mental health on my social media and livestreams because I think it's incredibly important to be able to share that side of me. I know how isolating it can be to think that there is no one else struggling with the same feelings, and by talking about my mental health, I hope that it helps make others feel less alone. I'm not without fear of the stigma, however, and pressing that 'share' button can be one of the most nerve-wracking decisions I make. Before I post, I wrestle with the concern that someone will accuse me of seeking attention, or that a company or person won't work with me because I'm seen as unstable. Mental health is so significant to me though, and I want others to know that it's OK to not feel OK. To me, mental health encompasses everything that we feel, whether it's good or bad.

QUESTION 2: HOW HAVE YOU STRUGGLED WITH MENTAL HEALTH?

I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was young, I can remember feelings of hopelessness and simply not wanting to live even before I understood what those feelings meant. I've been told many times that I was an incredibly nervous child, I was always worried about the what ifs, especially the negative ones. I used to be an extremely closed off person, throughout my teenage years and even early twenties I refused to talk about my mental health or feelings with other people, including those who were closest to me. I know not being able to openly discuss my feelings impacted my relationships negatively, I existed as a very passive person, going along with whatever others decided for me and becoming increasingly closed off when it began to wear on me. Depression and anxiety has followed me through to my adult years, and even today it's something that I struggle with, but I now have a better understanding of myself and my mental health. Some days I feel like I'm drowning, I feel so heavy and unable to see a horizon or catch my breath. It can happen at any time, regardless of what I'm doing. I've been out shooting a photography project, doing what I love, when I suddenly get this severe feeling of worthlessness or even the will to cease existing. However, knowing that this is something I struggle with and gaining a better understanding myself and why I feel the way that I do, has helped me become less debilitated by my mental health.

QUESTION 3: HOW DID YOU OVERCOME AN EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING TIME IN YOUR LIFE?

One of the most emotionally overwhelming times in my life was about three years ago, and I believe those months are what helped me become a more emotionally intelligent person. At the time, I was still struggling with my inability to communicate or truly acknowledge my feelings. I was a dependent person, I relied on having a significant other throughout my teenage years and twenties, and didn't know what it was like to just be myself and myself alone. For the first time in my life since the age of fourteen, I was single and saw that I would be single for a significant period of time. I realized that I put a lot of my identity and worth in having a relationship and being with another person. Being alone was a truly overwhelming feeling, at that point I don't think I had ever felt as much pain as I did during that time. I didn't know how to live my life without being a part of someone else's. I began to see that I needed to be alone to know who I was, because I didn't know who I was. During this time, I poured myself into livestreaming, at first because I was lonely and wanted to do something that would shift my focus from the pain that I felt. Through streaming I was able to learn how to be a more communicative and open person, I began to meet other people who shared similar experiences or interests to me, and was able to start talking about my mental health in a way that didn't make me feel ashamed.

QUESTION 4: SHARE WITH US A QUOTE THAT GROUNDS + INSPIRES YOU, AND WHY.

"LET EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU: BEAUTY AND TERROR. JUST KEEP GOING. NO FEELING IS FINAL.” RAINER MARIA RILKE

This quote is actually part of a poem from Rilke's Book of Hours, but the first time I read it was at the end of the movie Jojo Rabbit. I love this quote for multiple reasons. I first watched Jojo Rabbit on a plane. At the time I was going through a very difficult period of depression, brought on in part by a heartbreak that because of the circumstances, had caused me to lose the confidence in myself built up over the course of two years. This left me feeling like I wasn't enough. I remember reading this quote on the plane and being brought to tears. Because of the timing, it felt like the universe had known how awful I felt, and presented this to me as if to say, "You're going to be OK, Caitlin." I often believe that I feel too much, whether it's good or bad, but when it's bad, I become upset with myself for feeling as much as I do, because the pain seems unbearable. But it's the ability to feel that makes me who I am, and it's the ability to feel that shows me I am alive and present. Reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day, that all that I feel is what makes life worth living, is in this quote. There is so much to be thankful for in this world, and all of it, the good and the bad, contributes to my existence.

QUESTION 5: IS FORGIVENESS IMPORTANT TO MENTAL HEALTH? WHY?

I do believe that forgiveness can be valuable to mental health. I don't like to hold on to grudges, to me it feels like a waste of my energy and a strain on my mental health. When someone does something to hurt me, whether intentional or inadvertently, I gain nothing from refusing to forgive them. Forgiving someone else for hurting you doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life, and it doesn't mean that their actions are valid. But it does mean that you understand the reasons or events that led up to their actions, and for the sake of your mental health, you can let it go. If I don't forgive others, then I will hold on to that pain and resentment, spend my time thinking about it, and let it consume my mental health. I believe it's important to forgive others, and it's equally important to forgive yourself. There are so many times that I beat myself up over something, and the only thing that consistently beating myself up does is hurt me. If I can forgive myself for a mistake I make, I can move forward. Life is so short, spending my energy on resentment doesn't interest me.

Thank you Caitlin for sharing with us the importance of accepting every part of our emotional experience—the good and the bad. Thank you for reminding us that life is still worth living and to be hopeful for each new day. Thank you for being a prime example of what it means to be unashamed of who we are.

To continue to connect with Caitlin, follow her via Instagram and Twitch @caitlinshoots, and/or her photography portfolio website at CaitlinTing.com.

From The Desk Of,
Katrina Niere, LMFT
Founder of Mind Health Therapy