REAL*TALK SERIES/Ep. 3: Real* Talk With Gaby - Finding Wholeness Within

Welcome to our third episode of Mind Health Therapy’s REAL* TALK SERIES where real people real talk about real mental health issues. I am so blessed and my heart is full working with the guests that have poured out their heart and soul into this project to break the stigma of mental health. Our next guest I am delighted to introduce is Gaby. She is who I call my “soul twin” because we have so many interests and ways of life and being that are coincidentally similar. We are both Asian American/Pacific Islander, Capricorns, INFP’s, singing divas + music lovers, and therapists! We believe in the beauty of the mind, body, and soul, and have committed our lives to the healing, revival, and thriving of the whole-self of others as systems psychotherapists. We connect on so many different levels musically, intellectually, and spiritually, and I am blessed to have found someone who matches me the way she does. My relationship with her has in turn inspired me to pursue with all my heart my love for therapy and music without judgment of myself. And I know she does the same for the community as a whole, whether it be using her beautiful voice to inspire others on stage, in her close relationships with friends and family, or those who grace her therapy office.

Here’s a glimpse of how she found self-empowerment and love through a self-reflective and relational journey within:

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WHO AM I?

I'm Gaby - there are many adjectives that could describe who I am, and I have the tendency to highlight towards myself and others by what I 'do' instead of acknowledging my true self. I used to call myself by occupations that I believed were the essence of me: a writer, student, musician, etc. Although, they are not all-encompassing descriptions and there are quite a few layers left uncovered if I honestly wanted to be true to myself. Those layers were ignored as a way to filter out how I wanted to be perceived. Ironically, I shared the surface parts of myself as a way to try to deeply connect with others. I had not been fully vulnerable with myself, hence I was not willing to be vulnerable with others. After much self-exploration and a few devastating dips in life, I've come to know that the real parts of myself are things that were already within me. I have come to learn that I am whole, without the need for outward superficial validation. I am a lover, forgiver, daughter, woman, pleasure-lover, human.

QUESTION 1:  WHAT DOES STOPPING THE MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA MEAN TO YOU?

Stigma has so much to do with shame. It is a general reluctance to learn more about mental health due to complacency. Growing up, the stigma of seeking mental health help was heavily discouraged. Emotional issues were brushed off, and displaced with encouragements like 'it's all in your head' or 'just shake it off'. There was an overall rejection of mental health revival and seeking help. No one was willing to talk about it, and you risked being shamed for doing so. And still today, the stigma persists.
Stopping the stigma means taking ownership over our emotional hang-ups, and having the courage, willingness, and humility to be vulnerable enough to learn more about our emotional pain and behaviors and beliefs perpetuating it, without being ashamed or judged. Stopping the stigma means being able to speak up about tough and uncomfortable situations, with ease and freedom, as a society and as an individual. Stopping the stigma means having the right to an array of readily available resources as they become avenues of comfort and outlets of healing for those in emotional pain.

QUESTION 2: HOW HAVE YOU STRUGGLED WITH MENTAL HEALTH?

I have suffered through feelings of inferiority growing up. Being a curvy woman back home in Asia, I was subjected to harsh snickering and put downs both explicit and implicit because of the size of my body. What also made this especially difficult was because I didn’t have role models of confident curvy women in the community. I did not feel safe with my body or emotions as a growing and curious young woman. I eventually developed an unhealthy yearning for validation which led me to unhealthy relationships along the way. I struggled with depression and toxic relationships thereafter, leaving me feeling even worse about myself. I hit rock bottom and felt no way out of the toxic relationships I found myself in.

QUESTION 3: HOW DID YOU OVERCOME AN EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING TIME IN YOUR LIFE?

It was only when I hit rock bottom in those toxic relationships when I slowly but surely allowed myself to see Gaby as a whole woman: that I am desirable and without lack, sensuous yet needing no verification. I found love and acceptance within myself when previously had needed desire only from everyone else. I lacked nothing and I was enough. I am enough, curvy and all.
As a psychotherapist practicing with a systems background, I took a look at my past and present relationships and worked to find common themes. I especially used my relationship with my parents as a benchmark in exploring my emotional distress. It took a lot of self-introspection to identify my own thought patterns and behaviors, and redirect toxic ones into self-empowering and compassionate habits. I practiced mindfulness of this with self-reflection questions, 'why do I think/behave this way?' or 'why is that my go-to response to this type of situation?'. I used a lot of self-talk exercises when faced with an option on how to react to emotionally distressing situations, something like, 'I've done it this way before, so why not try a different way because the last time didn't work out so well'. It's really hard to change the course of emotional responses you're used to, so the self-talk I do is what I do to challenge to myself and hype myself up to choose the better habit. Giving in to destructive old thought patterns is easy and painless. Change for me required a conscious, active effort to help myself when emotionally overwhelmed and it pays off.
Another way I coped well when emotionally overwhelmed was simply finding what I love to do and what sparked the most joy for me. In my case it was being around people I love who lift me up, talking regularly to a Higher Power, and getting back into my music.
I came to a point where I couldn’t do it alone, and made the decision to attend therapy. What stuck out most to me about going to therapy weren't the directions/suggestions I got, but the validation that I was already doing well. The validating therapeutic relationship helped me better internalize and validate myself in my process of overcoming depression and the negative ways I viewed myself.

QUESTION 4: SHARE WITH US A QUOTE THAT GROUNDS + INSPIRES YOU, AND WHY.

"I am here for you as you are here for me. But I am not here for you SO THAT you'll be here for me. I am here for you because Jesus has first been here for me." Unknown

I love sharing this quote because the meaning is quite profound for me. I don’t remember exactly where I heard it, I know it was from a pastor talking about relationships. When I was younger I struggled with the notion that relationships should be a reciprocal transaction - 'I give you something so I expect something in return in the future', or 'I'll be here for you but if you're not here for me in the same way then I'm out'. I later learned in my relationship with God (who has shown me love, care, and compassion) that whatever I do shall come from a place of love, care and compassion in all my other relationships too. Not so that I keep my relationships intact in vain, where I am afraid that if I'm not true to my loving self the foundations might crack, but because I'm drawing my identity from the beautiful essence of my being as a loved child of God which inspires me to love others. I choose to focus on the loving kindness and compassion of my relationship with God, and establish this as the foundation for my relationship with myself and others. I'm a lover because someone has first loved me.

QUESTION 5: IS FORGIVENESS IMPORTANT TO MENTAL HEALTH? WHY?

Very interesting concept, this forgiveness =). Yes, I do believe forgiveness is a big contributing factor to good mental health. The act of releasing the mental burdens of the past is cathartic and necessary to pave the way for a renewed sense of peace. To make way for healthy and helpful thoughts to flow through us, we must first rid the path of unnecessary anger, resentment, and grudges. Otherwise, the same themes might re-emerge in relation to ourselves and others and disrupt the healing process. Though I know it is not easy, forgiveness is rejuvenating.

Thank you Gaby for reminding us the value of accepting ourselves wholeheartedly.  Thank you for sharing with us the beauty of how loving relationships inspire individual growth and self-love. Thank you for showing us that in every feeling, thought, and habit, in every strength and flaw, that we are whole and lovable.

For more wisdom, resources, and guidance from Gaby follow her on instagram at instagram.com/mindrevivalwithgaby.

From The Desk Of,
Katrina Niere, LMFT
Founder of Mind Health Therapy