REAL* TALK SERIES/Ep. 1: Real* Talk With Rathyna - Turning Toxic Shame Into Renewed Love and Joy

Welcome to our first episode of Mind Health Therapy’s REAL* TALK SERIES where real people real talk about real mental health issues. I am so excited to share with you our first guest, Rathyna Gomer. I have been fortunate enough to be long-time friends with Rathyna. We’ve known each other since elementary school. I’ve always looked up to her. She threw the funnest birthday parties all throughout out middle school to high school (she always had a bounce house =P), and I made sure I attended every year to celebrate her with all of our friends. Early on, she built a strong resume as class president our junior year in high school, and moved on to be senior class president for her graduating class at La Sierra University. Growing up, I knew Rathyna as highly intelligent, hard-working, always kind - someone who never judged anyone, and always made me laugh. I always felt welcomed by her whenever I was around her.

It wasn’t until years after high school I learned about her struggles with mental health. How could someone who outwardly appears to be thriving and happy struggle with mental health? This is one of the mental health stigmatic myths we must debunk: that just because someone looks happy and successful on the outside doesn’t mean they don’t struggle from mental health issues. Rathyna clarified this myth to be false in an act of courage by taking a stand as a public speaker and mental health advocate in a community where mental health is often shamed and stigmatized. This is what Rathyna does, she is brave in facing the scary parts of herself and others’ critical judgment. She takes power over the toxicity in her life, and turns it into a renewed acceptance and love within herself and those around her.

Here’s a glimpse of her daring story:

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WHO AM I?

I am Rathyna - I am a daughter, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a confidant, I am perfectly made, and I am a child of God. I used to define myself by the things I do (for example, a student or a drift competitor) but I learned that those things are finite and eventually come to an end. I am so much more than what I do - and these absolute truths will never change! I am someone who grew up believing that I was worthy only based on my performance - I constantly strived for approval. Only after fully accepting myself and learning to love myself did I learn that I am me, and that's simply good enough.

QUESTION 1:  WHAT DOES STOPPING THE MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA MEAN TO YOU?

Stopping the stigma to me means that we can talk about our mental struggles with the same level of comfort as talking about a toothache or a broken arm. A tangible example is my asthma - I was diagnosed with asthma as a teenager (which was no fault of my own, it simply is what it is) and was prescribed an inhaler to take prior to working out. I, of course take a puff before working out. Sometimes I don't and I struggle through and can barely breathe. Here's the thing - when I forget my inhaler, I can ask a friend or family member to bring me my inhaler. I can openly declare at work "wow, I forgot my inhaler today, I'm out of breathe" and no one will shame me. But if I were to do the same thing with depression and say "I'm depressed and need help getting out of bed today" - I don't think I could scream that to the world without significant repercussions. Stopping the stigma means that we (society) need to do a better job at responding to those cries. We need to allow a SAFE and LOVING space for people to share their pain.

QUESTION 2: HOW HAVE YOU STRUGGLED WITH MENTAL HEALTH?

Throughout my 20s, I struggled with severe depression that showed itself in many forms - obsessive suicide ideation, a suicide attempt, eating disorders, germophobia, abusive relationships, and even overachieving. During my periods of depression, I often described the world as colorless. I often felt stuck in my own body. I often felt like God made a mistake and I didn't belong here. Then part two of my struggle was then dealing with the shame that came along with my depression after I disclosed my struggle to my family and some friends. I had to push through my immediate family telling me that I was just immature and needed to grow up. Another family member telling me that people won't think we are a "nice" family anymore. Another family member telling me that "you're just a typical emotional Indian girl".

QUESTION 3: HOW DID YOU OVERCOME AN EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING TIME IN YOUR LIFE?

Therapy was HUGE for me. Not just therapy, but CONSISTENT therapy. Even when I "felt" better, I kept going and going. For the first 2 months I went weekly. Then for the remaining year and a half I went twice a month. Now I have check-ins when needed. My counselor was great though - she taught me how to be my own advocate and how to develop a network of support. I have now identified friends that provide me a safe space and I can go to them for anything, I learned to make better decisions romantically and now have a very supportive boyfriend who understands and is patient with my episodes of depression. I think an important shift in my mindset was also learning that I am not a depressed person, I am a person who deal with depression - depression was not my identity. Another amazing coping mechanism I found was writing in general - journaling and poetry. I knew that if I couldn't verbalize something the way I wanted, I had my paper and pen. Also, I replaced my bad habits / addictions with good ones - like baking and now gardening. If I am tempted to make a toxic decision, I redirect my efforts into something harmless and joyous. Last (but not least), I renewed my faith in Christ. I begin every morning with prayer and with intention and that has helped guide me down a much healthier path.

QUESTION 4: SHARE WITH US A QUOTE THAT GROUNDS + INSPIRES YOU, AND WHY.

"The second is this: love your neighbor as yourself. There are no greater commands than these." Mark 12:31

I always recited this verse without thinking about it too deeply. But one day something clicked - if I am to actually love my neighbor and treat them well, that means I need to love and treat MYSELF well. The foundation of treating others well, doing things well in life, of being the best versions of ourselves starts with loving ourselves. It's cliche maybe, but it's so true. We should show ourselves, patience, love, grace, and kindness the way we would show our best friends.

QUESTION 5: HOW DOES ONE GAIN INNER PEACE?

Personally, I gained inner peace after becoming my own advocate. I overcame shame by owning my actions - good and bad. I became my own cheerleader. I eventually shifted from a place of pain in dealing with guilt that came from my family's response to my depression and career choices, and started encouraging myself to get help and started celebrating my uniqueness. After I had taken ownership of my actions, it led to a place where I knew I could make decisions to end the toxicity in my life and choose to surround myself with joy. I also gained inner peace through constant, daily prayer (for some it may be meditation).

Thank you Rathyna for so openly sharing your story and how you have turned toxic depression, shame, guilt, judgment, etc. into a renewed foundation of love and joy in your life, which in turn inspires the community as a whole.

From The Desk Of,
Katrina Niere, LMFT
Founder of Mind Health Therapy