REAL*TALK SERIES/Ep. 5: Real* Talk With Natalie - The Value of Vulnerability

This is our fifth episode of our Real* Talk Series for May is Mental Health Awareness Month. But wait, it’s July?! Yes. I took a break from this to focus on the real social injustice issues finally being brought to the forefront following George Floyd’s death. I personally took the time to grieve, to learn, to listen, to support, to influence even just a small positive change for Black lives. And I hope you did too and will continue to do so more intentionally in your daily life and contribution, as I vow to do so as well. Black lives matter and the good fight continues even after the hype is over. Here’s a link of resources to help: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co.

Today’s guest though never forgot about the social injustices happening daily in America. I know this as I have seen her work personally and professionally in being the voice for others who have been silenced and oppressed. It is of great honor I am able to introduce to you our guest for this episode, Natalie. Natalie has been such an inspiration to me in her highly effective work using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) treatment, working to stabilize severely mentally ill patients who were actively suicidal and high risk to find hope and heart in life again. I was also honored to witness her own growth in the process of revising her answers to the questions below. In her process of reading Marsha Linehan (the creator of DBT)’s book, Building A Life Worth Living: A Memoir, she described herself as “lying” in her first draft of answers, and admitted to not being honest with herself about her own mental health issues by “deflecting” them. She redid the entire interview for her second draft. She shared with me learning about the importance of vulnerability and actively challenged herself to do so in her narrative below and in being the author of her life.

Here’s how facing her fears led her to build a life worth living:

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WHO AM I?

First and foremost, I am a mother, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. I am a person who cares very deeply which is why I am a social worker. I care passionately about fighting injustice and speaking up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. When I am outside of work, people tend to ask me why I can’t stop working. The answer to that is very simple for me, social work is not my job… it is my calling. This is who I am and who I was before the job. One instance when I went to mass and the priest shared about how he went on vacation and planned he was not going to work while he was away. He highlighted others asking him for spiritual guidance led him to realize that he could never stop working because it was not his job but his calling. I understood this completely. We can’t stop being our true selves outside of the roles we are given. Social work is engrained in who I am, it is my calling, and I am proud to live my life with this as my purpose in everything that I do.

QUESTION 1:  WHAT DOES STOPPING THE MENTAL HEALTH STIGMA MEAN TO YOU?

To me stopping the mental health stigma is very important. We spend a lot of time in our heads and hopefully it’s a good place to be.  Mental health to me means a psychological well being.

In order to fight mental health, we need validating social and family support to stop the unhealthy cycles. Generations of invalidation will lead to more unhealthy generations of invalidation. Invalidating someone’s depression or minimizing their emotional pain, takes away their ability to trust in themselves and understand their feelings as real. This leads to an inability to regulate emotions, sometimes leading to mental health disorders. I always give the example of diabetes, as diabetes is sadly a common disease within the Hispanic culture I come from. When the doctor tells us to take medication for diabetes, we willingly take it and do not question having to take the medication for the rest of our lives. I hope that one day we can talk about mental health in this way: mind and body the same.

QUESTION 2: HOW HAVE YOU STRUGGLED WITH MENTAL HEALTH?

I would love to tell you that I’ve never struggled with mental health issues. But in reality we all do, we just cope with mental health issues differently—some more effective than others. Stress has been the biggest issue in my life because I love to push myself to the maximum limit. The way I experience my stress and anxiety is through physical illness such as migraines. I never connected the two—my psychological and physical health—until recently. As soon as my stress and anxiety is gone, the migraines go away along with it. I always believed it was weak of me to say that I felt anxiety, and I often bottled it up and expressed it as anger. It wasn’t until I started grad school I realized my anger was a secondary emotion to my anxiety. Anger always seemed more acceptable to me, but as we all know, anger is the emotion that gets us into a lot of problems. For me, my anger made my relationships more difficult than they needed to be. I’m working every day to let go of my ego and anger, and accept that anxiety does not make me weak. I’m learning that being vulnerable makes me a stronger person. 

QUESTION 3: HOW DID YOU OVERCOME AN EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING TIME IN YOUR LIFE?

In one of the biggest struggles in my life, I learned that I needed others and in this I worked to strengthen my social support system. This isn’t easy for me, as I like to do things independently on my own. But I would have never gotten through grad school without the help of my mother and sister. They were the second parents to my children as I worked full time, went to grad school at night, did twenty hours a week of internship, and went through a divorce. My friends were important to my mental well-being and guidance through hard times when difficult decisions had to be made. My friend, Dimpa, has been a rock in my life, helping me stay true to who I am and keeping me on the right path spiritually. I was also fortunate to meet Dr. Elliott during this time and he became my mentor in my professional and personal life. He taught and showed me the healing gift of validation and mindfulness. I also picked up a new hobby in golf, which helped me prioritize self-care and master the practice of mindfulness. Lastly, I am blessed to have a strong partner in my life that supports my dreams and challenges me to keep growing as a person. I worked to validate myself and developed a validating support system around me helping me get through the one of the toughest times in my life.

QUESTION 4: SHARE WITH US A QUOTE THAT GROUNDS + INSPIRES YOU, AND WHY.

"GOD PLACED THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR.” WILL SMITH

I recently found this quote when my partner and I decided to go skydiving, but it really hits home for me in regards to the big leaps of faith made in life transitions—scary things: such as starting school again, getting a new job, a promotion, having children, getting married. The fear of the unknown. These are all scary and puts us in vulnerable positions of facing things we never had before, but they are also the most valuable things in life to have. In relationships, we are risking our hearts for the opportunity to experience love fully. Everything that helps us grow, anything that is worth having, also involves a great amount of fear. It’s all worth it. This is how you live a life worth living.

QUESTION 5: IS FORGIVENESS IMPORTANT TO MENTAL HEALTH? WHY?

Forgiveness is important in recovery of mental health. I believe if we cannot forgive those who have hurt us, we become stuck in the past and limit our personal growth.  Sometimes people say, “How can I forgive them if I can’t trust them?” We can forgive people and do not have to trust the person at the same time. Forgiveness is talked about in every single religion and the simple truth is that… it’s good for us. “Unforgiveness is like swallowing a drop of poison every day waiting for the other person to die.” - Unknown. In forgiveness, we are choosing to stop giving others control over our lives. Forgiveness allows us an avenue for healing and freedom from emotional suffering that is burdening us.

Thank you Natalie for reminding us that building a life worth living involves being vulnerable and facing the scary parts of ourselves and whatever life brings. That facing fears of the unknown only leads to growth and fulfillment. Thank you for highlighting what it means to live with purpose and a higher calling that is inherent within each of us.

From The Desk Of,
Katrina Niere, LMFT
Founder of Mind Health Therapy